what's up? — Miriam M. Hughes

Am I Seeing Things?

You’re legally blind, he said. That was fast and I thought he was joking. I had been to the eye doctor for my annual checkup two weeks earlier but they forgot to do the glaucoma test. That’s ok I said, I’ll reschedule and so as I was sitting in the chair I mentioned that I was not seeing well out of my left eye. But I wasn’t sure I wasn’t seeing well. I knew I couldn’t see but I simply was in full denial.

My eye exam two weeks previous showed nothing and suddenly wet macular degeneration took over my left eye. Rarely does it hit this fast but on occasion, something may precipitate it, like stress. My life is not any more stressful than anyone else’s, for the most part, but the few weeks beforehand I had suddenly become the caretaker of three wonderful dogs that belonged to a neighbor going through a major mental health crisis that was affecting everyone who surrounded her. Police, hoarding, bizarre accusations were just a few of the things we were all trying to control.

I guess my way of coping with stress is to shut a blind eye to it. Bad pun, but that is what happened.

The good news was the type of MD that I have is treatable and fairly recoverable sometimes. And I have insurance so the $400 copay a shot given every 4-10 weeks is manageable.

I did go home, feeling pretty sorry for myself, but determined to make the most of it, I blindfolded myself and started a new painting. Didn’t go well but I figured it would be manageable plus I still had another eye to work with.

I’ve been getting the shots in my eye on a regular basis and my vision is much improved. Not 20/20 but I can see and paint, read, drive and live my life.

However, one thing that started to happen was I started to see things. Very odd things and at odd times. With the shots and MD, you do get floaters for a few days, and once while trying to determine if that was a floater darting in front of me in the kitchen, I go to swat it away – they are very three dimensional. Turned out it was not a floater but a mouse running back and forth to the dog food bowl.

The visions I was getting were unusual at times and often very fast, like a speedy slide show. But most of all they were highly entertaining. A dark blob in my eye would transform from some sort of insect to a dog I had once known to a tree to a part of a painting I saw years ago as a child at the Art Institute of Chicago. Alvin Albrecht’s work, amazingly grotesque and detailed paintings and drawing of people was a frequent visitor in my eye.

The visions were fast and they faded from one to another. At night, as I was falling asleep. I would close my eyes and watch the show. Depending upon which way I moved my eye I could recreate new visions and fortunately for me, at night, most of my visions were animals. During the day I often thought people were appearing off to the side but realized those were also visions. Aside from being entertained and intrigued by these sights, I thought very little about them.

During my next visit with the eye surgeon, I happened to mentioned I was seeing things. Oh yes, he said, that sometimes happens. But there was no further discussion and I pretty much accepted it was now part of my life.

As the shot in my eye continues, and after having cataract surgery, the visions have become less frequent and I really miss them a lot. It’s hard to explain how much I truly looked forward to this amazing and highly personal show every day.

I had joined a FB page for people with Macular Degeneration, mostly so I could get the discount on my eye vitamins which I now take religiously. Recently I saw a posting about something called Charles Bonnet Syndrome. Only they aren’t called visions, but hallucinations. And I am not insane or schizophrenic.

I have done a lot of reading about what causes them (see below) and the explanation I like best is that your eye is not used to the void so it is trying to fill it. One study said that basically your brain is shooting a lifetime of visuals trying to get the eye nerves to connect again. Many people just get normal made up hallucinations. I like mine better (except the people in strange places part).

There was enough going on in my life that it never dawned on me to get freaked out over these visions and I am glad I didn’t. There is really nothing you can do about them and often they go away as your sight improves. Mine are greatly diminished and I can’t tell you how many times I have laid in bed at night trying to get them back so the slide show could lull me to sleep.

I am thankful for the work and research done so I do have most of my vision back though. And I love my ophthalmologist and his very easy-going manner, hallucinations and all.

What Hallucinations Look Like

Most commonly, McCannel says, people with Charles Bonnet syndrome see patterns, like wallpaper or floral designs. But sometimes, a moving image can occur in the void area.

“Most patients don’t recall seeing these patterns of wallpaper or movies before,” he notes. “The brain just kind of makes it up.”

For example, one of McCannel’s patients had a recurring vision of a boy on a tricycle. She didn’t recognize this image from anywhere in her real life.

Another of McCannel’s patients would sometimes see green monsters on her bedpost when she looked directly at it — but not when it was just in her peripheral vision.

Hallucinating a wide range of images is possible with Charles Bonnet syndrome — from colorful landscapes and dreamlike images to everyday objects and people.

Usually, you’ll be able to recognize that the image you’re seeing isn’t actually in front of you, says McCannel. For one thing, “it would not typically be anything that makes sense; it doesn’t contextually fit.”

And usually, the hallucinated images are recurring. “Most of my patients seem to always see the same thing,” McCannel notes, although some people may see different images over time.

By Quinn Phillips

Medically Reviewed by Sanjai Sinha, MD

EverydayHealth.com

The actual virus, shown in many illustrations, is a very pretty color. And thank goodness I love color. THe other good thing about this viris and our self imposed isolation is that I am resurrecting my blog. It will mostly be about color, art and life as an artist. However don’t be surprised if stories about growing up in Chicago, stories about my dogs, or just stories, in general, do show up. I love to write but am not focused enough right now to create a book, much as I would like to. Actually it is not a matter of focus, but a matter of only being one person and I want to do it all.

The likelihood of this blog gathering a huge audience, if any, is slight, so I am going to write away, break all social media rules about staying on topic and have fun. Join me if you’d like.

I have heard it is good to keep your blog’s content short, so if I do Chicago Stories you’ll have to wait for increments. I kind of like that idea also!

Join me and say hi!

How I Think…

A Poem I Love Because It Offers Hope.

“Luke’s Junkyard Song” - Mary Oliver